Last week I never would have thought I'd be smack dab in the middle of the United States on a road trip with my brother. As fate would have it, all that talk about "wanting some time for myself to travel and explore" actually came to fruition.
The opportunity arose and I jumped at it.
Leaving merge and Buffalo yesterday, I initially felt this wave of excitement and freedom as I pulled out of the 427 Delaware parking lot. I literally smiled and screamed "wahoo!" and I was elated at the prospect of an adventure.
As the first day passed, I had a lovely time, mostly singing to music and laughing at odd road signs, posting each state as my facebook status as we entered new territory.
My mind frequently drifted to Paulo Coehlo's Alchemist, and to Xi-Balba and L'amore's travels, looking to their examples trying to see this trip, and life in general, as more of a spiritual journey. But it wasn't until Tulsa that I started to feel any sort of intuitive "calling."
It was about 10:00 this evening, as I started passing Tulsa, my head was saying, "We can definitely get another two hours of road time in before we crash for the night," and for the first time on the trip, I questioned, to my heart "Should I stop in Tulsa?" and immediately I heard my head/heart say "YES, stop in Tulsa" But by this time, we had passed the exit, and I was thinking, why would we stop now? I have two hours left of driving, and we can make it to Oklahoma City, where I can stop and get breakfast at a health food store tomorrow. But my head/heart kept saying, "Go to Tulsa, go to Tulsa." But at this point, Max and I are singing all this harmonies and songs together from Glee and I was really enjoying the moment.
But as we kept driving, I felt this sort of wave, almost like a nausea wave, wash over my body saying "Go to Tulsa." And I immediately said out loud (I had been questioning in head whether or not to say something) - "Something is telling me to go back to Tulsa." Max's immediate response was of course, "What? Why would we go back?" He pointed out, "We already passed it. If we were meant to be there, we would be there now. I would have taken a wrong turn or ended up there somehow."
I understand this, as well, and now I am questioning if I am simply crazy, and indulging my "head" and not my "heart."
But, Max, seeing my strange reaction, offers to go back to Tulsa if I really want to.
At this point, I am completely indecisive, as always. I am questioning if I really am feeling these things because of eating differently on the road, or just sitting and having so much time to listen to my own head today, or if I'm really being called to go somewhere.
I feel a bit overwhelmed, almost trying TOO hard to believe something, instead of naturally letting life take me in the flow, I don't want to push against the current that brought me here. I suppose I can take from it the lesson that if my heart says something to me, I shouldn't tune it out, I should immediately listen and respond without worry.
I am going to wake up early tomorrow, swim in the pool (outside the hotel here) meditate and try to feel out where I am meant to be. I know that there is a force driving me on this journey. I am so happy to be driving Max to LA, of course, but I know that there is much more than assisting his travels that is carrying us on this journey.
I know I can, and will, discern the thoughts in my head from the calling in my heart.
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