Tuning into my SELF.

Feeling a bit like Clark Kent, in disguise, hiding my true identity from the world. I actually bought a pair of fake glasses yesterday. They are big and red and completely nerdy and they do not make me look at all attractive, but there is something so wonderful about putting them on. I feel like I become a new person. I am looking at the world through red frames, and it makes me feel like someone else.

This is pathetic, I know.

I keep eating cookies and avoiding cleaning up my place... although it is screaming at me, and I feel like I am going insane avoiding the work at hand any way I can.

I just want to throw out all my stuff, get rid of everything that is weighing me down, including these red glasses... so I can finally see clearly WHO and HOW I really am.

I smell of sweat and fear and desperation.

I'm going either going to pull myself together and make a change or I'm going to pull my hair out with anxiety from the stress and love-hate relationship I have with my job and with my current life.

I keep dancing around it... but I want to leave. I am not happy here.

I am going to do it.

I'm going to make a change.

I am alive, I am young, I can and should do what is in my best interest. I want to live my life, for ME, not for a business so that others can find balance and happiness in their lives.

I am simply not happy focusing my whole life around merge... and closing myself off from the world in every other avenue.

I am lonely.

I am very confused, and what I need to do it tune into that feeling, understand it... and stop running way from it.

I know that I have the strength to face it. But I keep turning to old habits of "sedation" to tune these uncomfortable feelings out. It's ok... to feel this. It's ok to have emotions. It's acting irrationally that may be the wrong thing. Or is it?

What is logical may no longer be what is right for me.

I don't want to feel ashamed or embarrassed about myself anymore. But it hurts in a way, trying to talk to people about my beliefs or feelings when they simply don't understand or look at me like I am completely crazy. I put too much value on the opinion of others.

Maybe that is the lesson I have needed to learn all along. It's not about what "they" think. It's about what I think is best for me, and for MY life, for MY SELF.